#Writing101 I Am My Own Rock

Today’s Prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

Loss? I could write about my loss in several things. The loss of my innocence, when I learnt how cruel the world is. The loss of the love in my family, that’s juicy for sure. The loss of my grandfather and great-grandmother last year, which I am not feeling as much as I should. The loss in insignificant competitions, that would not be juicy or even interesting to talk about at all.

The world is indeed cruel, wouldn’t you agree? Do you still remember the hopes you had as a child? The hopes that were crushed the minute you gained epiphany on how evil the world’s inhabitants are, do you remember?

I was a shy boy (believe it or not) and I wonder if it has ever left me. But as a consequence, my interactions with others were next to none. I kept to myself and my books, and games, believing everything I read. I believed that people were kind and the bad ones were taught a lesson and do change for the better, from Enid Blyton’s books. The Disney fairytales always taught me that there will be a happy ending.

I don’t quite remember when I lost my innocence/ learnt the harsh ways of the world.. and I don’t remember either if it was immediate or a transition. But what I know is, I’m not an optimist like I used to be. I became pessimistic, constantly worried, paranoid, and stressed, and all these happened unconsciously. I hate the person I’ve become. I like being optimistic. It’s really gloomy to look at the world from the gray perspective. Whenever I comfort my friends that ‘everything will work out in the end’, I feel like a damn hypocrite because I know it’s a lie and life will swallow us up. When I expect my examination results, I am somehow hoping for the worst. I became pessimistic even towards myself; I doubt my own capabilities to score.

Something is terribly wrong with the world. I wouldn’t want my future children to lose their innocence the way I did. Heck, I want them to remain bright and sunny for all of eternity, unlike their father had been. Sometimes I wonder if it was my own parents who made me this way. They never seem to be happy of me. Never proud of my achievements, and always doubting me. Negativity is infectious, and soon I began to doubt myself, and I was on a scholarship back then, where I would be terminated if I did not get consistently stellar results, thus the doubt from both me and my parents culminated in a great deal of stress for me. My father once advised, “Never let yourself understand what stress is.” Ironic, isn’t it, that my father was partially responsible for teaching me what is about?

And that brings me to my family issues. I feel like I grew up in a typical Asian family. (Truth be told, I don’t believe in stereotypes, but for the sake of conveying my meaning in the least words, I used ‘typical’. You get what I mean, don’t you? See, it works!) All the telltale signs of a typical Asian family are there, the musical classes, the demand for ‘A’s, all with incessant nagging and excessively strict parental control thrown in with a bonus. The only missing factor was that they did not demand for me to be a doctor.

I hate this kind of parenting. There is no love. To them, a son is merely a product that has to be polished to become the very best. So polish they did, and there is no love required in the process. Somewhere along the way, my father lost his love towards my mother. He even hates her. Hates, present tense, mind you. He grew distant and my mother was the only one I kept in contact with. It is absolutely ridiculous to have a father figure available, yet being forced to grow up without one. For the last six years, that’s what it felt like. I traded no more than an hour’s worth of conversation with him in the past six years. He lives in the same house as I do. My family is dysfunctional, to say the least.

But things only got worse. Since my father became distant, my mother grew moody as well. She developed tantrums, which was compounded by her lack of patience and short fuse, and exacerbated the entire family dysfunctionality. (created a word there.) She began declaring that I am her burden and could not wait to get rid of me once I had a degree which is capable of landing me a job. I don’t know how truthful it is since she blurted it out only during her tantrums, but it hurt me nevertheless.

So, I have no father figure, and I have a mother who does not care for me. I have no siblings, and my other relatives are more distant than (I don’t know…. insert your own sarcastic simile here please). You can’t count on your friends, since they are not obliged to stick with you through thick and thin….. and that leaves me with no one. I am my own rock. I guess that was when I hardened and believed in the worst in people, the worst of myself and the worst in what the world has to offer.

(Does this count as depressing? I sure hope not. I couldn’t care less anyway)

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#Writing101 I Am My Own Rock

18 thoughts on “#Writing101 I Am My Own Rock

  1. I truly admire you Frederick for being able to talk about this. Your mother sounds like a very negative, selfish person (forgive me for making a judgment here). That was a terrible thing that she said to you and should have never come out of her mouth! The good thing that comes from this is that you have become a much stronger person and believe in yourself more than ever (being your own rock). At least when you become a father, you will know what NOT to do and what NOT to say to your children.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the support, PJ (Btw, should I call you PJ or Joy? I’m confused.) Being my own rock is tough, your words are the encouragement I just need to hear from time to time.
      As for the father I’m going to be… I’m not very sure if I can fit that role any more. I don’t have a father figure to emulate, and the temper runs in the family (I try to suppress it, but I notice it in myself from time to time). I may even choose to end my family line with myself, and not have kids. (I like to believe I’m doing my future generation a noble sacrifice, while at it.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I prefer being called PJ. Thank you for asking. I can understand how you would feel that you don’t want to repeat what happened to you. But, many people who grew up in terrible circumstances rose above it for their own children and gave them the life that they personally would have loved to have. It’s not easy being your own rock but that is part of what strengthens you as a person. Finding out that “life” is not all a bed of roses was very difficult for me too. I’m very proud of you for overcoming and rising above that disfunctionalism that you grew up with.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Disfunctionalism! That’s the word I was looking for!!!
        Well, PJ, I am hoping that the best is yet to come.
        We all have to have our bubbles burst sooner or later, don’t we? I’m just so disappointed that the world is not what I imagined it to be. Soon I’ll just be another guy in a suit going through the same motions everyday.
        Can I ask you a question, PJ?
        What do you look forward to?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. LOL! Yes, that is exactly right – The best is yet to come! (That’s the truth!!) Yes, our bubbles do get burst but that is part of life, I guess. What do I look forward to? I look forward to getting up every morning and going on my blog to see who has commented on my posts, or to read other’s posts. I look forward to seeing my kids and grandchildren. I look forward to a certain show on a certain day each week. I try and look forward to even small things during the day that most people would just take for granted. It is all those “small” things that bring happiness and joy to our life day by day. If we only look forward to large and magnificent things/events then we will have missed much joy in our lives.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Haha okay, I’m looking forward to the day I get 50 followers haha!!! I guess I should live one day at a time. Nobody finds happiness when they think about the future all the time, do they?

        Liked by 1 person

      5. That’s true! If one is always looking at the future, they lose the present. I think you will get 50 followers very soon, and especially since you took this class. (Meet and mingle with as many people as you can). When you get 50 followers, let me know, we will have a blog party. 😀 LOL!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is indeed a cruel world yet a beautiful one. Now that you found the strength to go passed your childhood and your parents, work on going further. That’s wonderful to be your own rock. And it’s even more so to open up again. Life is much funnier!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The way you chose to face the situation is somewhat admirable. If it were me, I might have been contemplating suicide by now. I completely understand how you feel. The press for exemplary grades and straight ‘A’s is real in the Asian society. You are expected to join an elite school, continue to perform well in that school under their rigorous standards, and excel in university. I am sick and tired of this. Yes I have my straight ‘A’s for my A-Levels (a pre-university examination in Singapore), but I don’t want to pursue academics anymore and the paper chase is disgusting me more by the day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A long time ago, I told myself, suicide isn’t the way to go.
      I am a student in Singapore as well, and I have very mixed feelings about the paper chase. On one hand, I feel very proud if I get good grades. But on the other hand, my parents always seem disappointed and never appreciate the effort I have put in, which makes me feel like there is no point in putting in any effort at all. But in Singapore, it’s such a waste of opportunity if I deliberately flunk my exams in the name of petty rebellion.
      I somewhat hate the paper chase, but if you strip me of it, I am afraid I won’t have any other achievements to my name.

      Like

  4. I know writing something personal takws courage. And you know Fredrick, even a rock needs a landing surface and we (I) are here to offer that. It really is a scary thought to think our children would grow up in this society.

    Liked by 1 person

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