According to me, I am a hypocrite. I discovered this after refusing several times to disclose my blog’s address to friends who asked.
I am a different person when I blog, as compared to the me that my friends all know and love (I presume). My blog is the meditated, critical and brutal version of me. Meditated because I have carefully contemplated what goes into the blog over and over again. I don’t want to raise controversy and draw unwanted attention to myself. The worst thing is for me to go viral and have government authorities hunting me, or to become obliged to make a public apology. But still critical and brutal because I use this blog as an avenue for the thoughts of mine which is in no way suitable for everyday conversation with my friends.
(There are children giggling at the water fountain as I type this. Simply adorable.)
Why am I a different person when I blog?
I think it is because I believe my ‘blog self’ will not be very welcome in society. As every typical teenager, heck, as every typical human being would, I want to be accepted socially. Furthermore, I love being in the company of others. I believe people will shun the other side of me. Your true friends will love you for who you are. Fuck that. True friends are hard to come by, and I need my insecurity fixed pronto. Seeking solace by being part of a crowd is the best solution there is. And the only way to be part of that crowd is, to blend in. Thus, I hop on the bandwagon, assimilating myself by shedding my skin in an unsatisfactory but somewhat necessary trade to wear theirs.
I am content with where I am right now. I enjoy the company of those I am with. Perhaps it is true that it will be much better when I am with other people where I can be my full self without fear of rejection. But that takes time. And I need ‘pronto’ solutions.
So let the time come when it comes, I accept change, and I will reveal more and more of my authentic self as the time passes. Perhaps one test of friendship I can peruse is to give them my blog address and stand trial to their judgement, and perhaps end the relationship forever, or not. But before that, let me indulge in this companionship I earn by being a socially-acceptable hypocrite.